Thursday, September 30, 2010
This time last year I was a simple man with simple dreams and desires. I was confronted with my biggest fear that became my greatest joy then my worst nightmare. I found out that I was going to be a father. My first response was that I was not prepared for this, I didn't want children. But then I found out that not only was I going to be a Dad, there were twins on the way. Wow! Not just a dad, a father and sole provider for two precious lives. I went from overwhelmed to overjoyed in only a few heart beats. When I found out that it was twins, I somehow knew that I was prepared to be a father and that I would provide them with the best home and life. I began seeing life in a new way and looking forward to sharing lives events no matter how small or large with my little cuties.
I wanted to share what I enjoyed with them hoping that they would appreciate the splendor of the outdoors and nature and life from birth. I was planning on hiking with them in tiny little back and front packs or twin strollers with big wheels. I was looking forward to taking them biking in a trailer behind me so they could see the world from another viewpoint other then a car seat or the TV. I wanted so much for my children to see the world as I see it and as I was shown as a child and encourage them to make the world what they want it to be.
I was also looking forward to sharing my little ones with the world because of course my children would be the cutest ever born. I know, every father thinks that, but mine would be so cute I would have to protect them from people that just wanted to hold them as much as I did. I wanted to be their guide, their light, and I wanted so much to learn from them. As parents we may tell them right from wrong but they tell us fun from fud. I could see myself singing along to my arch enemy Barney if that is what made the kids happy. I would eat sand with them if that brought a smile to their face. They were my world and their love and joy and happiness was all that mattered.
I didn't care what it would take, I wanted the best for my children. I found out that the mother was not as interested in raising the children as she was in her personal interests that were clearly not conducive to a safe upbringing for my twins. I found myself in a battle trying to prove who was more suited to raise my little ones rather then enjoying their upcoming arrival. I did my best preparing their home and my life for their joyous entry into my arms and into my family. Meanwhile the mother found every opportunity to exploit them by bilking the state for every cent, every perk she could benefit from, while continuing her selfish behavior regardless of how it hindered the growth and safety and well being of my growing children.
It soon became clear that most of the agencies I dealt with were willing but unable to help me thanks to new laws. Many were familiar with the mother and her history, which I was not aware of until too late. Several agencies were even willing to ensure that they would support my claim for full support upon the birth of the twins. I contacted a huge number of hospitals between Pennsylvania and Arkansas to apprise them of the possibility that the mother may flee the state and use an alias to deliver my little ones in order to evade the CYS system or Children And Youth Services and other authorities. I was amazed by the caring and understanding of complete strangers, and I could feel the pain in their voices, some times over tears, when they said that they couldn't help me due to privacy laws.
I had fought my hardest, tried to support the mother and prepare for their arrival into my life when I received a call that I had not anticipated. I had never prepared for this call from the mothers mother on January 19th telling me that the twins were delivered still born two days prior. They were over five months premature and severely under-developed. The cold-hearted nature of this call left me in disbelief and I had to find out the truth for myself from the delivering hospital. I will always be grateful to them for the information that they provided me with. I could not be more heart broken to find out that my only children had not survived the mothers poor care even long enough to see the light of day at the miracle of birth. The heartache was beyond anything I had ever felt even beyond the loss of my own brother. I found out that I was the father of two beautiful daughters at the same moment that I was told that they had not survived to come home with me and I was not even informed that they were to be delivered so I could be there for them. As helpless as I felt, I can't imaging how they would have felt given the chance.
If not for Dee, an angel brought to me from above, I might have gone insane with this news that my precious little babies would never be coming home with me. Instead, she brought clarity to the situation and showed me that it wasn't about the loss of my children, but of the joy they had already brought me before they were even born and to celebrate their lives even before they had a chance to live. We gathered our composure, our thoughts and a few butterfly balloons and proceeded to honor my children by ceremoniously releasing them from this world to Gods hands. It was so touching and I am so grateful that I shared that moment with a woman of such purity of spirit and understanding.
Within a few months my life had gone from casual boredom to immense joy to overwhelming sadness. Without the love and support of friends and family I might have given up on life and love and caring, but I know that I have found the greatest joy through this madness. I found out who I am and who I can be and who I want to be, and I know that I can be better then I am and that's ok as long as I never stop trying.
I may never have my own children, and I can't promise that I will ever be the best father or step father to Dee's children, but I can promise that I will always strive to be the best person that I can be for them, and try to guide them through life as though they are my own children. I am willing to keep trying if they are willing to let me fail now and then and I will let them be who they want to be and I will always be thankful that they are in my life.
Cheyanne and Aspen, you are and always will be my beautiful daughters and I wish I had met you. I can't thank you enough for enriching my life. You will continue to guide me for the rest of my life.
I miss you and I will always love you.